Eddie and your husband become friends and the titanic is sinking
And only one of them gets to survive. Which one?
You need love in your life, lady.
I believe your daughter grace
Is experiencing signs of generalized anxiety disorder.
- I'm thinking maybe private school. - That might be extreme.
Man: i see your sins for i am god!
Yeah, run! Run, you whore!
Go and hide from the eyes of the almighty!
It's 9:15 a. M.!
God's off his meds again.
Careful or he'll unleash a swarm of locusts,
Which means it's definitely time to start smoking again.
No, i- I got kids.
One excuse after another.
We're putting grace in private school-
- Immaculate virgin. - Immaculate virgin?
That's a bit redundant, don't you think?
What was i gonna do?
- Dirty virgin? - That's not funny.
It's four grand if we join the parish; seven if we don't.
It's embarrassing to say this, but...
i'm bulletproof even in this economy.
All right. Then don't.
You should just let me get the words out
And then you can let loose with all the proper, "no, thanks. " Okay?
If you'd like, i'll pay for the girls' schools.
Thank you. That's really very kind of you, but no thanks.
And even if i said yes, kevin would say no.
Bbut thanks, really.
What's up with your shoes?
Oh, gee, look at that.
- Ha! - Is everything all right?
What, 'cause my shoes don't match? Please.
But, uh, cheers for asking.
From: eddie got something 4u.
I am god! And you are an asshole!
Go in peace, you pieces of shit!
Is there cake?
Multiple stab wounds to the chest; in and out of consciousness; difficulty breathing.
I can imagine.
He was stabilized but his b. P. Just dropped.
- How old? - Uh, 33 i think.
All right, ready? One two three!
So what happened?
Uh, we both work in i. T. He took me out for breakfast.
It was going so good.
- So you stabbed him? - No! No, my ex-Husband did.
He followed us into a diner. I had a restraining order.
Yeah, my cousin had one of those. They don't always work.
Why don't you wait outside?
We'll come and get you when we know more, okay?
- How much? - $8,000.
Presbyterian has two.
For a hovermat? No.
Yeah, you'll spring for a pyxis, which nobody even wants,
But not for a hovermat.
You have no idea what's coming in here.
These big fat kids, their big-Ass parents.
We're not presbyterian. We're not even bellevue.
When's the last time you tried to lift one of these fat bastards?
I've lifted more fat bastards than you can count.
Well, i'm not breaking my back because people eat like shit, okay?
Whose baby is this?
A thousand nurses file injury claims every year.
I'm just saying.
Whose baby is this?
Nice. Stab wounds to the chest.
Go find your own fun. We got this.
Actually, jacks, i prefer he stayed.
Really? Jackpot!
Can you close the door, please?
Let's get him stabilized and up to the o. R.
We need to check his airways and we need a chest tube set up.
Zoey, come here.
Put your hand on here. Hold it firmly.
I can do that. Sorry.
I'm just saying, i can do more important things here.
Okay, take your hand away.
- Ooh! - You see that? That's important.
I need you to take over for me.
- You ready for the set-Up? - Yeah, let's do it.
Deep breath, zoey.
I'll catch you if you faint.
No, thanks. I'm good.
Can i at least take the knife out?
No, zoey. You never remove a foreign object
Protruding from a patient. A surgeon does that.
Do you understand?
It's so tempting.
- That's me. - Yes. Yes, i know.
I got something for you.
You texted me six times last night.
You don't answer the phone.
And you never come over, so this is it- This is all i got.
It takes me 10 minutes to write four words.
- I'm using my thumbs here. - That's not all you got.
No, it's not. I got you a little something extra today,
Above the standard fare.
Here you go.
- Eddie, no. - Just- Just take it.
Go on. Open it up.
Wow, this is- This is nice.
Happy anniversary, babe.
What? Isn't that march?
- March? - March- Did i say march?
Jesus christ, that's how tired i am.
Yeah. It's been a year.
God, eddie, i'm sorry. I'm just not good at this stuff.
It's okay. I'm not either. Who's good at it?
Just, you know, try it on.
Yeah. No, i- I get it. I get it.
It's a stupid fucking bracelet from the guy you're banging.
All right? Too bad it's not made out of vicodin.
Sorry?
You heard me.
"Eddie, my back hurts.
Eddie, my- My tooth hurts. "
Right?
Everything's on your terms, jackie.
I- You know what? Forget it.
You know, eddie, just keep your fuckin' bracelet, okay?
- Right. - Keep your fuckin' pills.
- I don't need it. I don't need any of it. - Good.
I don't either.
- What's going on? - Patient's been here since last night.
Repeat sex offender. Got his hands on a couple of third-Graders.
Passed out in custody- A fever or something.
His nuts were like...
Um, dr. Ekebwe ordered i. V. Antibiotics and a foley catheter,
But now i can't get it out.
Will one of you get this thing out of my dick?
There is a little balloon at the end of the catheter.
Did you deflate it?
I tried but i don't think it worked.
- So no- No, i didn't. - Good.
Get this thing out of my dick!
- Hey! - You want to hold him down?
Okay, sir, you're gonna feel a little bit of pressure, okay?
Owww!
Fuck! There you go.
- Outside now. - Oh, god!
He's a fucking pedophile, mo-Mo.
No one's saying he didn't have it coming.
I just don't want you to get in trouble.
Who are they gonna believe? Him or me?
That's not the point. He's a patient in the hospital.
I had a fight with a f- Man- Friend-
Guy- Friend.
A boyfriend?
Well, yes, i had a fight with my boyfriend.
That's just wrong.
How did i not know that you had a boyfriend?
Honey, you do all the talking.
I do, don't i?
You have a boyfriend? That's so good.
Are we talking e. M.T.? A cop?
No, it's nobody from work. Just leave it alone.
So what happened?
I didn't realize it was our anniversary and that makes me a terrible person.
- Anniversary? - Yeah.
It's been a year.
A year? Wow.
I had no clue.
Neither did i.
Man: bow! Bow!
Bow to me, you sinners and sluts!
Go ahead, eat!
Eat! Eat god's shit!
Cartier. Nice.
Is that for, like, a morphine rep or something?
- Nope. - Speaking of, you know what we should do?
Atlantic city thursday night. I got a free room at the trump marina
From one of my pharmaceutical guys.
Wanna go?
Yeah. Uh, thursday's not great.
Doesn't have to be thursday. I was just throwing it out there.
It's a bracelet. Go ahead.
Whoa. That's nice.
- Unisex, right? - I couldn't tell you.
Yeah, i bought a cartier watch when i graduated from med school.
I got robbed at gunpoint two days later.
I was like, "really?" 'Cause it was brand new.
Yeah, well, people suck.
- Who's it for? - You know, it's been a pretty bad day
So i don't really feel like talking about cartier
Or fucking bracelets or fucking trump marina,
- If that's okay with you. - Yeah, sure.
- What's up? - You know what, coop?
You like this, you take it.
It's yours. Don't get robbed.
Thanks.
Hey, where are those muffiny things you had?
- I gave those to coop. - You did not.
I did.
Oh, can you check up on steak-Knife people for me?
My lipstick's fading. 12-Hour color, my ass.
Is he dead?
No, he's up in the i. C.U. With a whole lot of stitches, but he's not dead.
This is the greatest guy.
I mean, this guy is like a pearl in the dirt, you know?
I know.
I never get the nice ones. I'm like a creep magnet.
But i fell for him like that!
Like god said, "okay, that's enough assholes, lori. "
And he sent me zach.
Well, i see guys like him bounce back every day.
I promise.
It was our first date.
He's not going to call me again, is he?
Whose baby is this?
Zoey...
what?
God told her her hair is thinning.
He said i have a bald spot.
Zoey, look at me.
Stop going outside.
Daddy's going to fix this.
Mo-Mo! Don't! God's mean!
Please don't hang up on me. Please...
hello? Hello?
Come in.
- Have you got a minute? - I've got millions.
I fucked up.
You certainly did. Those muffiny things were brilliant.
- Coop loved them. - Yes, and now he's got my bracelet.
Sorry?
Eddie gave coop a bracelet that he got for me.
Whoo! The plot thickens.
Now eddie's buying you things. Nicely played.
Yes, well, apparently we have been together a year.
That alone freaked me out.
I think i didn't handle it well.
Well, now coop's flitting about in your jewelry.
Yes, pretty much.
Xanax. My life's a shambles.
That's a secret, by the way.
Do you want to tell me what's going on?
That, my friend, would take a bucket of scotch to get out of me.
Does that help? On days like this, yes.
Want one?
I think i do, yeah. Is that bad?
I'm a bit of a lightweight, though.
Mmm, take half.
Here.
Bottom's up.
Now go and clean up your mess.
What are you looking at?
Can we go back to where you said,
"It's been a year"?
And then this time i'd like to say,
"Wow, time flies when you're having fun. "
'Cause we are having fun, aren't we?
Look, i...
i feel a little bit like an asshole.
That's all. Big fucking deal.
Why? Because you remembered it's been a year and i didn't?
Eddie, time for me is how long it's been since i changed an i. V.
Other than that, i'm pretty useless.
Yeah, well, useless is a little strong.
And just for the record, it's not that i didn't like it.
It's just i didn't want to wear it at work.
Somehow coop manages to pull it off.
Yeah, well that's...
whatever.
So you still want it?
Sure.
Put your hands up and give me all your jewelry.
Oh no, dude. Come on.
Sorry, coop.
- How'd it go with god? - This is not a woman's top.
Isn't god awful?
Hello!
Come on, people, this is somebody's baby.
Things like this stay out of the baby's mouth.
How did he get that? I have no idea how he got that.
Whose baby is this? It's cute.
All right, i'm calling social services.
Baby's going to be in my office till they get here.
Hey, zach!
I'm just checking in- How you feelin'?
- Well, morphine helps. - Yeah.
That's why they call it "morphine. "
Your friend lori's been here all day. She's pacing a hole in the floor.
Her husband stabbed me.
Uh, her ex-Husband.
And he's not the one you're dating.
- Dangerous people in the world. - Well, i don't think she is.
By association, though.
Anyway, she's out there worried sick.
No more married people. No more people with problems.
I want someone with a clean slate, like a grad student.
Yeah, no you don't.
She's a pretty girl.
Yeah. She is.
- And nice- So nice. - Maybe this was a test.
Maybe if you can move on from here, everything else will be a piece of cake.
You make a good point.
This here is a cartier love bracelet.
I found it on the subway. It looks brand new.
I bet she'd love it.
Wow.
Maybe everything happens for a reason, right?
Hey, he's awake and he really wants to see you.
- Really? - Yeah.
Hey, uh, hold on. Hold on.
- Here. - Oh.
Uh, yes, you're good.
- Thank you. - Okay.
Jacks?
Okay. Um... here's the thing:
Not an easy day...
- for either of us. - That's for sure.
Uh, and you're going home to a cozy something-Or-Other with your husband
And your children- They're going to light up when they see you-
And i'm going to be trying to remember what my policy is
About tipping the hostess when i pick up my dinner
And go back to my room.
Do you want to come over?
Or, uh, or not. It was just an idea.
Um, you could stay in fiona's room. You know.
Actually, i'd prefer grace's.
Oh. Ooh, boy, a carriage.
Man: you! Yes, you...
shall burneth beneath the light!
It's like a homeless guy with an apartment.
He's been going all day with this shit.
Never underestimate the summoner of a psychotic episode.
And who have you fornicated with today, darling?
- Ah, wouldn't you like to know? - I'll see you tomorrow.
Good night, baldy!
And stop picking on my nurses!
All right? Pick on criminals! Pick on white guys!
Fucking fantastic.
Who is your friend with the heels?
Now that's a woman!
And what is she doing with an old whore like you?
Indeed.
All right, listen to me!
Put down the cat food and get back on your meds!
You're not doing anybody any good up there right now. All right? Do you hear me?
I apologize.
It's 7:23 p. M.
He's a fucking criminal.
I had to say it.
It's her father- Step-Father.
No no, kevin's right, jacks.
Total waste of plasma, that one.
My sister's going to be destroyed.
What about you?
Oh, i'm getting plastered in queens, am i not?
Consider me already destroyed.
Rats! That came out wrong, didn't it?
I'm gonna head upstairs, ladies.
I'll be right up.
- Did i hurt his feelings? - Kevin? No.
Man on radio: this is 1010 wins.
You give us 22 minutes, we'll give you the world.
It's news time- 8:21...
- you can pour now. - It's still going.
- You are a tiny, cruel little creature. - I know.
Ooh, what the hell is this? What are you trying to do, poison me?
Ahhh! It's hideous.
What did you do, bale it out of the gutter, darling?
Agh! We need some milk to dilute this catastrophe.
All right, what are you two up to?
Ahh, she's trying to kill me with your antique coffee.
Good morning. How'd you sleep?
As if sedated.
Nothing forces me to embrace my life like a night on polyblend sheets.
Ahh, grace, look at you! You look great.
Actually, your ensemble is missing something, grace.
- It is? - Mm-Hmm- French braid.
Classic component of the catholic school uniform.
Luckily for you, i'm a master.
I guarantee you shall be the most glamorous girl
At the immaculate virgin today.
Why do they call it a "french" braid?
Mmm, because it's mysterious and alluring.
Where'd you learn how to do a french braid?
France.
Oh, grace darling, you look great.
You excited?
Honey, are you okay?
Daddy bought the wrong color bike shorts.
Ah, honey, i- It's okay.
I- Nobody can see them. I promise.
God can see them.
Oh, honey.
He will know that you meant well, okay?
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